Black Hole

I'm getting an old, familiar feeling. A few of you probably know what I'm talking about.

We have living arrangements planned for the spring semester. We will be sharing an attic apartment with a mid-thirties lesbian. She's pretty cute. Has a dog. Seems nice and easy to get along with. Rooming with anyone is always a gamble. Regardless of whether you know them or not.

There's a documentary on Stephen Hawking on Science Channel right now. It's definitely intense. He has a very cute assistant. Apparently this guy has to pretty much guess what Hawking is trying to say due to his deteriorating condition. He looks scared. Also, there's a man who appears to be Mr. Hawking's bearded arch-nemesis. He is reveling in this half-dead man's incorrect theory about black holes. I hate him and and I hope he gets blown up in his giant death star by the end of the movie.

I gave my notice at work a couple of weeks ago. I feel anxious. I feel very something. Unfulfilled perhaps. I am reading "Zen Keys" again. Its so weird to know that there is absolutely no guide by which to live life. No teacher can tell you how to be successful or be happy. That you have to discover for yourself. And no one can duplicate your method. And even if they could, they wouldn't get anything out of it because everyone has a unique set of spiritual needs infused into the fibers of their being. That's the way I see it anyway. I mean, that pretty much eliminates most religious doctrines as being valid as self proclaimed sovereignty. Maybe each has insightful and useful elements, but not one can tell you how to live in order to reach spiritual "enlightenment". I really wish they could.

I am struggling with dangerous urges and I don't really know how to approach them. Go with them? Live them? Or avoid them? I want to be compassionate and calm. Like Bodhidharma. I am not doing so well. I'm afraid I'm going to become destructive and insensitive. And unlike the practitioners in Indian mythology, I don't have an endless amount of years to fuck up and begin tapasyana all over again. Not that I'm producing much spiritual heat lately anyway, haha. I think its all getting sucked up by the frigid air in my unheated apartment.

I went for like two weeks using only baking soda and vinegar on my hair until Leah used up all the baking soda in the cat litter. Of course, it was the cat's baking soda to begin with, but still. I had to use shampoo one morning until I could get more. It has been a really satisfying experience. I'm very happy with my results.

Where's Boy?!

girl