Way Over Yonder In The Minor Key

Hello Blog. Today is a weird day. On my way to work I pulled out in front of dangerously close traffic without realizing. My mind and body were caught in a strange trance like the time I ran that obviously red light and hit that obviously oncoming car with not so much as a forethought. That has been happening to me lately. I stopped taking the anti anxiety medicine because I don't think it does anything and I can make do without it.

My mom called me first thing in the morning on the phone at work to yelling at me because my sister is airing out all my dirty laundry to everyone she knows or something. I don't really know. Nor do I care. I am exceedingly angry with my sister though. I thought it was clear that my parents didn't want people knowing about my "lifestyle" and I was fine to keep to myself and move 30 minutes out of their way. Apparently my sister didn't understand that. I never visit because I can't drive. I never speak to them because I don't have a cellphone. My mother said that it was not acceptable for me to be open about my relationship in her hometown. Well I moved out of her "hometown" and I avoid my extended family and everyone she knows just for her. If I'd have had the money to move to Cambodia I'd have done it just to make them happy. But still she calls and causes me strife. My relationship with my parents dangles by a few threads and now those seem to be in eminent danger. It's hard for me to tell if I should really care though. I wonder if I should be more angry at myself for wanting to preserve the ruins of my family ties than I should be at my sister for inadvertently trying to destroy them. I also wonder if someday my family will chill out like other people's. I think that's wishful thinking though. They are too deeply rooted in the sovereignty of conservative religious doctrine to ever chill out. If I were a proper yogini I would say something like "is that so?" every time I am screamed at about my own adult life. But I am clearly not a proper seeker of anything at all. For whatever reason my heart is still sore from their attitude toward me since I moved and made my "choice". That is a fundamental problem. I drink too much alcohol to be enlightened anyway. Someday, though. I will understand whatever it is that we are supposed to know about ourselves as human beings. Or maybe just beings. Or non-beings. That's a web of conundrums I don't feel like wriggling through right now.

I've been reading about inward journeys and self-induced cultural forms of schizophrenia. It's certainly not practical in our modern age for everyone to go through that process, but I think it could validate my life in a way that I'll never see otherwise. Riding a bike everywhere allows for a lot of meditation on weird things. Such as considering schizophrenia as a real option...

The two of us have 13 dollars to live on for the next seven days. I am interested to know how that will work. I hate rent weeks.



girl