where do i begin

this week was stressful. a million things were due for school and i wasn't prepared to deal with them. i was very behind. i ran into former botany teacher and he wanted to discuss my position as lab technician, which i am fully aware that i have been doing a terrible job at lately. not to mention i was a total dick to him a couple days ago. i want to say i was a "total dick on accident" but i'm not sure that would be the truth. sometimes i am just a dick. it wasn't so much accident as instantly-regrettable mouth vomit. he told me he knew i was worried, and blah blah blah, and said he would gladly write me a letter of recommendation because i had really proven myself to him. i started to cry when he said that. why botany teacher, why? why you be so nice when i be so mean? why do you have to be the one to make me feel validated as a human-being after i so brazenly used you to shame myself? this constant questioning of self is nonsensical, but the point is i cried at school. at college. at community college. haha! true story. i am the most overly emotional boy in the world and life is really hilarious sometimes.

am i going to miss this? all this stuff. this and that that's going on right now, and all the things i find so tedious. did i already miss everything? maybe i have already missed everything or maybe i'm missing it right now. it doesn't matter. like i said, it doesn't even make sense. i decided life would be phenomenally more enjoyable, fulfilling, and simple if i didn't freak out. my problems are trivial and i must remind myself of that. constant emotional awareness is mush easier said than done, but it probably requires practice. i don't want to become a stoic by any means, but slightly more zen. that is not bullshit. can a person meditate their entire life? maybe. in meditation a wandering mind is reminded to regain focus. maybe a scary thought can be dismissed just as easily. i think a thought can be exhaled. i only need to breathe and relax and listen to music.

this is my spring break. i am going to clean and exercise and study a little every day. i need reminders that these things are important. right now i'm listening to rod stewart and he is sounding so nice. he says nice things and his voice is a clear fluid over smooth stones.

boy